I have recently decided that my voice should be heard. That I am not just a whisper in the wind. I have also decided that I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be seen for who I am and not for what people think I am or want me to be.
No easy feat I will tell you. This decision requires more than merely saying what I think and feel or insisting that someone look me in my eyes or give me the respect that should just be given for the mere fact that I am a human being.
To have my voice heard, to be seen, requires that I believe enough in myself to speak up and be seen for everything that I am. It also requires personal honesty with myself about who I am, where I am at, what I like and don't like, and what I want in relationships with others.
I feel that this decision that I have made has been a huge step in my personal healing and growth and is one more step closer to loving me and not hating me.
Take for instance this scene: I am situated at a dinner table with about ten other people. I ask my husband if there is a spoon for the mac & cheese. The person with the said spoon, a 20 year old (10 years my junior), chimes in "If you will just wait a minute!"
Before I made the decision in my life to speak up and be heard and seen I would have muttered something to myself or bitched about it to Jacob later on that evening when we were alone. Instead, I told her that I didn't realize she had the spoon and that I'm not sure I liked her tone. Some spectators at the table made it a bit more of a scene than I would have wished and the young lady tried to excuse herself from the responsibility of being disrespectful. Nonetheless, I made myself heard and expressed my feelings, set a personal boundary in no uncertain terms. I am still mulling it over in my head how I could have still yet handled it better...as I was a bit exasperated at the level of disrespect that I felt. But I am proud of myself for speaking up and letting this person know that what they did was not acceptable in our relationship.
Take for instance this scene: I am at a new physician's office. He comes into the room where I am waiting and examines me and asks me a multitude of questions. He then goes on to advise me he will stop giving me opioid pain medications as they don't really help Fibromyalgia and up the Ultram. I am not okay with this as I am not just a Fibromyalgia patient. I have RA, and OA as well as nerve pain. I struggle with pain all day every day. I do not sleep at night. This doctor whom has never met me, who talks to me for ten minutes, decides what is best for me. I did not speak up because I feared being viewed as a drug-seeker (someone addicted to pain medications).
The above scene has taught me a valuable lesson. I do not have to go along with a physician's treatment plan because it is my body and my treatment plan. He does not live my life or in my body. So, next time, I will express to him "Dr. Siar, you do not live in my body or deal with the pain that I deal with every day. I do not believe that you have accurately heard me or seen me. I do not care that your MRI says I should not be in pain...I am. Do you treat MRI's or do you treat patients? Have you heard me and seen me?" I will not just sit there and let him run my medical care.
I am thankful for my new found strength in myself and the confidence to carry out this conviction. I am not a victim or someone that can be walked all over. I have the right to be seen and heard. Doesn't everyone?
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