In The Shadows

I was sitting on the couch this evening and I was just relating some thoughts to God. One of them was this apology for the sake of not offending God. Then I took it back. I told God that I wasn't sorry really, because honestly I really wasn't sorry, and that I knew He knew that and that really I was sorry for being disingenuous. Then I got to wondering just how often I am disingenuous for the sake of appeasing the angry god on a throne, that I often picture as God, waiting to strike me down at any moment . Not to mention all the implications of this belief and my response to this belief and how it so deeply impacts my life in so many different ways.

I also got to thinking about how it seems folks all around me seem way more spiritual than me, as if I am constantly in the shadows of spiritual giants. I'll bring up a topic that may be a bit uncomfortable or not commonly spoken of and I'll either get silence or a variety of other responses intended to close the conversation down. And usually the responses are phrased in such a way that I am left feeling a tad less spiritually advanced. Phrases like: "Oh, well, I've already asked that question before but it is so neat to see you grow in that area" or "That isn't the point of being a Christian" or "Maybe you're asking the wrong question or dwelling on the wrong thing". Then there's the whole other side of the more spiritually advanced person. The person who seems to turn everything into a praise and a blessing. This is the person who turns becoming a quadriplegic at age 26 in a car accident on their way to the Olympics into an awesome blessing; how they wouldn't be the person they are today had that not happened. Well, sure they wouldn't be the person they are without certain events, but is that the means by which we measure our spirituality and how we gauge a blessing? This is a person that never complains or if they do, they then apologize for it and pray to God in prayer time to have a heart that is more thankful.

Since I'm not one of the people that is spiritually advanced in the aforementioned ways I have to admit that I am quite disgusted with those sort of folks. Each person leaves me feeling inadequate or simply bad about myself. Maybe I do focus on things that I shouldn't, spiritually speaking. Maybe I am not asking the right questions. I guess I think that as long as I am asking questions that is better than not. And I'm not a person that can take everything in life and turn it into a praise or consider it a blessing. I have been called a cynic and told I do complain too often. Honestly, sometimes I don't think I complain enough. I think people are just content to live in some fantasy land where they never have to face the tough questions that I struggle with every damn day.

Maybe I struggle with my faith in such a raw and real way that I leave people feeling uncomfortable. I really don't know.

Maybe it isn't me, maybe it is them. Maybe I just need not compare my spiritual state to others' spiritual states. Maybe, as the Al-Anon program suggests, I should mind my own business.

But I do think that I bring about another point of interest in all of my blabbering here. What is the point of we Christians gathering together to share our lives if we never get down to business? What good is it if we never work out together our frustrations, our fears, our anger, our sorrow, our hopelessness, the struggle of relationships, and the struggles within ourselves, and our never-ending grappling with a being that we can neither see nor hear or feel but that we are to serve and love and worship and ultimately die and live for?