Hope Wrapped Up In Love

I spent most of my day worrying about financial burdens. I kept trying to tell myself that I have to take it one day at a time. That I have to "let go and let God" and "easy does it"...all Al-Anon slogans. But mostly, I spent the day sighing heavily, then throwing up all over my husband (verbally that is), then arguing with him about money, and then trying to occupy my time by cleaning this house. I do not rest. I cannot rest. Things that are wrong in my life keep me in a constant state of worry and fright. My therapist says that I sit on the watchtower, waiting and looking for disaster to strike. That I must come down from this imaginary, but oh so very real, watchtower and learn to have fun.

But how? How do I have fun when things are so f'd up all around me? My checking account is nearly on the brink of zero. Every day there is another collection bill that comes in my mailbox and then into the trashcan because I know I can't pay it. We barely make it. The job situation with Jake is so hopeless (aw...that word again). He has the brains to do any job yet gets very few responses from potential employers. He sits paralyzed by anxiety to even apply for jobs so I apply for him. I'm so burdened and overwhelmed with more than my fair share of responsibility.

While one person in my household tries to relax all day and calm their anxieties through playing any and all video games he can, I spend my days trying to resolve my anxieties by making phone calls, doing more chores around the house, and working numbers out on the calculator. Two very different ways of handling anxiety and worry...both not very effective because they rarely work to calm the person and resolve the issue at the same time.

Not to mention the constant and nagging pain that I have wracking my body all day and every day. It is so aggravating to be riddled with pain and it is exhausting.

And so my hope for rest...any hope that I have for fun all relies on many things that I cannot control. Not having control is very scary for me. It means that I must trust, or rather have faith in God, hoping he will pull through for us. I must hope for the best...in essence, I must choose to love because hope is wrapped up in love.

I must choose to love myself through all this...which honestly is a whole 'nother story (let's just say loving me isn't easy). I must choose to love my husband through this time of trial, supporting and encouraging him to persevere himself; to not let his worries, his fear and self-doubt get the best of him and to believe the best of himself-to love himself. I must also choose to believe that no matter what happens, we're going to be okay. In so choosing all of these things I am choosing hope. Not an easy feat for one so inclined to choose defeat and the plight of the hopeless.